How to Apologize Like a Leader – 4 Simple Steps to Right Your Wrongs

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“It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one’s heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize.” ~ Stephen R. Covey

I coach leaders in all aspects of emotional intelligence, yet the single biggest challenge most leaders report is that they find it nearly impossible to apologize, say they were wrong, made a mistake, or acted inappropriately. Far too many leaders believe that “being right” is more important than good manners and interpersonal civility. Not surprisingly, these are the same leaders who also feel the most insecure, discourage honest dialogue, and often produce feelings of anger and resentment in those they lead. All of this could have been avoided if they could only learn how to offer a sincere apology.

All leaders make mistakes. All good leaders know how to take ownership of their mistakes. Great leaders know how to admit, take ownership, apologize, and make amends for their mistakes. Let’s be clear about exactly what an apology is: an apology is a written or spoken expression of one’s regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another person.

A Simple 4 Step Plan on How to Offer a Sincere Apology

Here is a simple step-by-step approach on how you can learn to apologize like a great leader. Just follow these four steps and you will see your stock go up in the eyes of your peers and followers.

Let’s follow our leader, “Tom” as he apologizes to his direct report, “Paul” for losing his temper and acting inappropriately. Tom is a Business Unit Manager that saw one of his Assistant Managers make a mistake that was obvious and Tom got angry and lashed out verbally at Paul. Upon reflection, Tom recognizes that Paul does most things right and Paul has not said two words to him since the unfortunate incident. Tom wants to apologize to repair their usually pleasant relationship. Here are the steps Tom must follow to apologize to Paul

1. Describe the offending action or behavior that you displayed. Always remember to describe your behavior the way a camera could have seen it or a tape recorder could have heard it. Note: If you are apologizing for cursing or using profanity toward someone, never repeat the profanity in the apology. Instead, just say something like, ” I used profanity toward you and I spoke in an offensive way.”

“Paul, last Tuesday around 2pm, while you were working on the widget line, I saw you passing units that had the wrong valve assembly in the widget. I then called you “stupid” and said that “you don’t have a brain in your head sometimes.”

2. Express that you accept responsibility and recognize that your actions were wrong. The goal here is to take ownership for unprofessional behavior. You should never try to mitigate things by making excuses by saying you were “tired” or just in a “bad mood.” Those mitigations are just excuses and, even if they were true, it does not excuse your conduct.

“Paul, I am your team leader and it is my responsibility to manage and treat you with dignity and respect. My actions last Tuesday were unprofessional, wrong, and unacceptable. I should never have called you names or insulted you.”

3. Specify your feelings of regret, remorse, or sorrow. Say these things directly. Never say, mistakes were made. Instead, say, “I made mistakes.” Never say, “I want to apologize” because that is not an apology. If you want to apologize, then do so.

“Paul, I have deep regret for my actions last Tuesday. I have thought about how I behaved toward you and how I would feel if my boss had talked to me that way. I feel very sorry and ashamed of my actions toward you.”

4. Consequences: Explain how you have learned from your mistake and what will be different in the future. Also, be sure to offer to make whatever amends you can toward the person whom you offended.

“Paul, I want you to know that I am not going to speak to you unprofessionally again. It’s my job to manage you and I plan on doing it with civility and good manners. I hope you can accept my apology. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help make amends for my past behavior.”

I hope you will agree that our fictional leader, “Tom,” has just done a great job apologizing to his direct report, Paul. In all likelihood, Paul will quickly forgive Tom. Tom has done a lot to regain the trust and respect of Paul that he had damaged by acting unprofessionally.

Great leaders are never afraid to apologize and you will be surprised at how much easier it is to get people on your side and to see you as an authentic leader, not a perfect leader, but one who is human and makes mistakes. Try apologizing the next time you screw up. I promise, it gets easier with practice and it pays great dividends in terms of keeping people connected to you and aligned with your goals.

(c) 2010 by Thomas J. Haizlip, M.A.

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Source by Thomas Haizlip